


Rainbows in The Dark

by Seltzer_In_Shadow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hard long talks that Hussie was too much of a coward for, I will always meme. Even in angst fics I can't help it, Some people meme and write homestuck lesbians to cope???, Wrote this in spite because these women deserved better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28442316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seltzer_In_Shadow/pseuds/Seltzer_In_Shadow
Summary: With a world full of absurdities on the brink of war Rose finally tells Kanaya the truth of the daughter she's kept hidden. How do you rebuild a marriage, a friendship, a family when you've lied for 6 years? How do you find meaning in a timeline you know is isolated from the rest of a cannon you uprooted your life for? With space between her and time lost, Rose will try again.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde, Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Rainbows in The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> When I first read HS2's reveal of Rose and Jade having a secret daughter I thought there would be so much more emotional weight behind it than just having it all skirted over in unseen conversations. I've never written Rosemary before but damn did that drive this entire narrative. 
> 
> Huge thanks to [Fay_the_gay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fay_the_gay/pseuds/Fay_the_gay) for betaing and listening going back and forth with me over this fic I have thought far too much about since May.

###  _ Part I  _

You felt it long before the phone rang. An impact to your chest and a strike to your head all at once had sent Kanaya rushing to your side as you collapsed onto the floor of the study. Your brother had died so many times before and the last time you had died with him. You had shared that death and its ascension. This death, however, is the last time you’d share anything with him and you’re left helpless as you feel him die. 

You’re a god, so was your brother, and yet he still died.  This  is the absurdity of the timeline you live in. An absurdity you hadn’t foreseen due to the divergence. Your powers, unlike John’s or Dave’s or Jade’s, had always been more relevant to a time when your world and life were tied to the cannon of the universe. But here, in this timeline where  John stayed,  you are powerless. 

The sight had felt like being able to hold up a marble and look into its multicolored refracted light. The ability to see each wave of glass down to its atom, each connection, both fluid and solidified, bound together by time and meaning. Now you look into the sack of void you once drew from and find it empty. Separate from a space far past your timeline, where red ties of cannon consequences play out in the multiverse and stream into the black hole that consumes reality. But not yours, yours is meaningless. 

Not long after the divergence John told you that he thought the world wasn’t supposed to go this way. He had been right. Small absurdities had begun to creep into your everyday lives and you began to feel them as he did. You chose to ignore that specific conversation with him and tried to pretend it was all okay, that he was being delusional. He was right though and you hated the outside reminder that everything you were living was not how it should have been.

Your loss of sight could have been a blessing that allowed an almost easy acceptance of the absurdity. You could have, should have even, moved on and treated it like a burden you were finally free of. Embraced the fact that maybe you no longer knew where you were headed but you knew it was a timeline you had hoped for more than the other. That, however, was the issue you faced day after day, you no longer had your sight but the feelings of memory stayed and the voices of the grimdark that echoed in your mind were no longer coherent to you. Each absurdity that crept into your world felt like something you should know but couldn’t respond to, and the loss felt like forgetting your native tongue in a world of your own making. After years spent as a player in a game of keeps for creation, the loss and your relevance to it, weighed heavy on your mind. 

The feeling of irrelevance had led to depression, and at times, mania. Hours spent writing stories, trying to get everything down that could matter. Reading it back the words were meaningless scribbles, nothing had been saved. Kanaya had eventually stopped you and you hadn’t written since. Instead you kept busy, playing a much smaller role in a new game of rebellion, attempting to salvage your mistake of a timeline into something better than it was destined for. Not that you knew what that destiny was anymore. 

“Dave Strider died a heroic death.” This is the intro to the eulogy at your brother’s funeral. It’s also a statement of the fact that you are now without a father or a brother. The game had given you arbitrary godhood based on a relative notion of justice and heroism and it could nullify it all the same, but that does not make for a good funeral speech. You did not write your brother’s eulogy, in the interest of audience taste. 

It rained just like it had at Dirk’s funeral. People try to frame it that Dave would hate how sad everyone is. Some people meme to cope and Dave certainly did. You feel like you’re always just coping these days. Your brother is dead and you wonder how this timeline could mean nothing and yet hurt you so much. 

In the days that follow Dave's funeral, you are reminded of why you cried when John chose to stay. There’s more to life than multiverse relativity and this timeline is proof of that. For all that you had lost, you had gained so much here, and you hadn’t been alone in that. Your wife and daughter had been your grounding point, if you were to live for anyone, anything, it would be them. 

It’s Virska’s seventh birthday and the past few months of mourning have been pushed aside for a deserved celebration. 

Kanaya’s in the kitchen overly decorating a cake. There are screaming kids in your backyard and your phone pings as you’re trying to balance a vegetable plate and a pitcher of blue lemonade (the stuff looks horrid but Vriska loves it and it is her day after all). 

You set everything down on the table outside, the kids caught up in their game don’t seem to notice.  Vriska is sword fighting with Harry Anderson. Tavros lays still on the ground sword between his right arm playing dead. 

In the corner of the yard are your friends. Roxy and John aren’t talking, and are standing awkwardly separate while listening to Jake who is there without Jane, unsurprisingly. You weren't sure Tavros would be allowed to show up in the first place but you didn’t mention this to Vriska when she gave you the invite list. Karkat didn’t show up but he did video chat with Vriska earlier today. He’s been a wonderful NOTAGODFATHER as he likes to put it, even with the difficult business of running a rebellion. 

You wonder how much longer you’ll be able to stay here. In a house, with a yard, trackable. How much longer do you all have like this? On the brink of a civil war, biding your time with cakes and parties and forced catch ups?

Kanaya and you have talked about going into hiding with Karkat. You thought Jane wouldn’t attack your home after Dave’s death but these days you aren’t so sure. Kanaya is still on the board of Responsible Troll Reproduction, but as you become more involved in the rebellion you both know that option is no longer safe. The mother grub may no longer be safe soon. 

You have a party to run now though. Perhaps the last normal event you’ll throw, perhaps the last party you will be at with your friends. 

You remember to check your phone. 

Jade: I told Yiffany about Vriska

Rose: I see. Why exactly?

Jade: Honestly Rose? Because she asked if she could have a sister and I didn’t have the heart to lie to her and say she didn’t! And why shouldn’t they meet?! Yiffany shouldn’t have to grow up with just one other person in her life!

Rose: So I can assume you told her about me as well?

Jade: ..um yeah. Rose you’re kinda big part of that whole deal you know? Look, maybe you want to lie to the people you love, your wife, your daughter but I don’t want to have Yiffy grow up alone and lied to by the one person in her life okay! So...just think about it alright.

Rose: This is a development I wasn’t prepared for since we agreed otherwise. I will need some time to process this. I’ll get back to you.

Jade: Fine. But if you don’t I’ll bug the hell out of you, I hope you know that.

Rose: I do.

Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde Harley is your’s and Jade’s daughter. Conceived, naturally. She is only a year younger than Vriska. No one else knows about Yiffany but you and Jade and -Dave. 

You haven’t seen her since you gave birth to her. The subtle pregnancy had lasted only two months, and went unnoticed by your wife, who you didn’t tell because… 

Because the whole thing seemed absurd! You were depressed! Nothing felt real or like it mattered and when Jade came to you asking for a child you agreed because giving birth to your sister-in-laws half dog daughter seemed so canonically unreal that you couldn’t help but wonder what would come next. What was even possible now in this timeline. 

Name her Yiffany Longstocking? Sure Jade why should it matter! It was all one big joke right? For the irony! So why make it complicated? Why tell your wife? Your daughter? Jade agreed that they wouldn't have to know. No one would, just let her have this. Something, someone.. 

Rose didn’t think Jade should have a daughter in the first place but who was she to say. Hell Rose didn’t think she could be a good mother to one daughter let alone two. Kanaya had assured her that she wouldn’t be alone in this. Raising Vriska would be something they’d do together. She wouldn’t be like her own mother to her, to Vriska. 

In return, to Yiffany she had been nothing. Jade had been fine with it, but since Dave’s death she had been reaching out more. Sending pictures and updates, wanting to share the experience of raising someone with someone else again.

You... you’d never replied. Deleting picture after picture, of your own daughter.

It hits you then. The consequential cumulative weight of your own apathy. You have a secret daughter whom you purposefully ignored for 6 years. Your...daughter... is now fatherless, and Jade is alone. 

You turn away from your friends to go back inside, almost running into Kanaya holding the cake. She looks at you concerned. 

“Everything alright my love?” 

_Love_ , _her_ love, _your_ love, what would she think of your lie? Should you lie now? She would know it was a lie, she always did, but she always waited for you to confess rather than pry. You wish she would pry more. Would pick you open at your seams and question your lying more. You built up so much trust in these years. She doesn’t do that anymore. Simple “oh”s and “Mmm’s” Are what you get in response to this. Not “I know you’re keeping something from me and I haven’t a clue why.” Why does she trust you so much? How did you even earn this? 

“No. But it can wait until later.” You turn around and look back out into the yard avoiding her gaze. 

Your back is turned to her and she “hmm”s 

“Alright well if you need anything let me know. Are you going to join us for cake or should I tell our guests you have a headache?”

As much as you want to abscond you know it would hurt Vriska to not be there for her moment. 

“No, of course not. I’ll be fine.” 

Kanaya looks skeptical but she doesn’t push you. It’s a very traditional matesprite way of handling things on her part. 

"If you’re sure.” She says, passing you a pack of matches. 

You pull one out, strike it and light all seven candles, only then do you look at her. Forcing an uneven smile. 

She nods at you and begins to sing. 

By the time everyone helps with the cleanup and leaves, Vriska is exhausted and falling asleep on the livingroom floor. Surrounded by a castle of books in front of the green love seat she loves to lay against, a foam sword relaxed in her hand. 

You watch her for a moment. Small frame rising with each sleepy breath. You think of all these the small moments you’ve had like this in the past seven years. Watching your daughter sleep. Rubbing balm on her scalp as her horn began to grow in. Teaching her to read, watching her copy you write, watching her run around and treat your backyard as her every adventure. This was a childhood you never had, it’s all you ever wanted for your daughter...this daughter. 

You think back to the now deleted pictures Jade sent you. A small girl so reminiscent of yourself. Black fluffy ears peeking out over wisps of blonde hair. Pictures of Dave and her playing with blocks, spelling words that of course your brother would want to teach to his daughter first. Your daughter. 

Is she happy? How has Jade been as a mother? You realize you’ve never really seen her in the role. You hadn’t wanted to. It was agreed that you wouldn’t be involved and Jade had never questioned this until now. You figured she would want her all to herself. You thought that she had wanted a daughter in a selfish way, a way to have someone love her unconditionally. Your relationship with your own mother had never made this argument for motherhood substantial in your mind but Jade had never had a mother so it would make sense that she would want to be one herself. To be everything she had never had for someone else. 

Vriska doesn’t stir when you scoop her up into your arms and carry her off to bed. Laying her down carefully you remove her shoes, only then does she stir.

“Mommy?” 

“Yes love?” 

“Is it over?” 

“Yes, you're seven now.” 

“Oh.” She begins to sit up and rub her eyes. She looks at you. “I like seven. It’s fun!” 

“I’m glad. It’s time for bed now though. I promise you’ll still be seven tomorrow.” You pop off the second light up sneaker and it flashes out of sync with the other as you lay them both to the side. 

“Do I have to brush my teeth tonight?” She asks you hopefully. 

“Yes, and wash your face. If you don’t you’ll get brain worms by the time you're eight.” 

“Naya says brain worms aren’t real and that you’re using fear tactics to me to get me to do simple tasks and cooperate.” 

You smile. “Hmmm she's clever and she's right. Will you brush your teeth anyway though?”

Vriska smiles. “Only if you tell me more about brain worms so I can scare Harry Anderson and Tavros later!” 

At times you see so much of yourself and the past Vriska in your daughter that you begin to realize how similar you and the other could be. 

“Agreed.” 

“Awesome!!” Vriska gets up and goes off to the small hall bathroom. You follow to make sure all the bedtime tasks get completed as you make up facts about brain worms. 

Kanaya comes in as Vriska is crawling into bed. 

“Are we talking about brain worms again?” Kanaya looks at you skeptically. 

Your daughter replies first. “Yeah but you were right. Mommy said they weren’t real! I’m gonna tell Tavros and Harry Anderson all about them next time I see them!” 

Kanaya frowns. “And are you going to tell them that they’re real too?”

Vriska watches her mother’s look and takes in it’s meaning. 

“Well I was gonna...but would that be.. Mean?” 

“What do you think?”

“Yes?”

“Why?” 

Vriska thinks and you watch the two play their logic game. It was what you had agreed upon when you had first chosen her as a small grub. 

_ “She will be a handful, you realize that right?” You had said watching your wife hold your new daughter in her arms.  _

_ “Hmm, yes I’m sure she will but she has a chance the other Vriska never had. A chance to learn kindness and compassion as a balance to her chaos.”  _

_ “Are you suggesting we raise our daughter chaotic good?”  _

_ Your wife had smiled at your Flarp joke and kissed your cheek and then Vriska’s.  _

_ “I believe I am.” _

“Why…?”

“What did you say when you came to me about brain worms?”

Vriska thinks for a second “I asked if brain worms were imaginary.” 

“You did and how did you feel?”

Vriska pauses. And looks at you quickly before looking back at Kanaya. 

“I..was..scared.”

Kanaya gives you a pointed look and you realize you may have taken your brain worms a bit too far. “And what did I say?” your wife asks. 

Vriska smiles “That brain worms aren’t real and that mommy was using fear tactics to me to get me to do simple tasks and cooperate because she likes to play games!” She looks proud of the words she’s learned there. You love her love of new words. 

“Right and what did you say when I told you that?” 

Vriska looks at you worriedly, you smile and nod to tell her it’s okay. She smiles sheepishly back. 

“I was mad mommy lied and that I couldn’t play too.” She looks at you apologetically and you rub her back. 

“I’m sorry I scared you, love.” You mean it too. It was things like this that your mother had said to you to get you to behave. You had learned early on they were lies. You often caught her lying to you, but you played along anyway. Learned to not reveal what you knew, and cooperated in order to scheme. You don’t want that for your daughter, not entirely. You want to play and joke with her, and you do, but Kanaya is there to let you know when you’ve crossed a line. 

Vriska looks back at you “But I had fun when we played together tonight! Brain worms aren’t as scary when I know they’re imagenry!” 

Kanaya smiles. “Right so if you feel that way now what do you think you should do when you tell Harry Anderson and Tarvos about brain worms?” 

Vriska looks like she’s struck gold when she responds “That they’re not real but reeeeally fun to talk about!” 

Kanaya smiles. “Exactly.” 

She comes over to the bed and pulls up Vriska’s covers. Vriska lays down and scoochies down further. 

Together you and Kanaya pepper her cheeks with small kisses until she laughs and then you sit there patting her head. Kanaya looks at you and you mouth that you’re going to stay in until she falls asleep. She nods and leans down to kiss Vriska and then you one more time before getting up to leave. 

She turns off the bedroom light and stands in the doorway. 

“Goodnight you two. Happy Birthday love.” 

“Goodnight Naya! I love you!”

“And I you.” 

She blows you both a kiss and lightly closes the door behind you, leaving you two in the dark. 

Vriska lays on her side and whispers up to you. 

“Will you sing me to me?” She asks, quietly, like it’s a secret. 

“Of course.” you whisper back and begin a quiet song with peaceful words and soft imagery to the tune of a song with words long since pulled from your memory. 

You rise when you feel her breathing even out and kiss her cheek lightly one more time before you gently close the door behind you. 

You go to your bedroom, knowing Kanaya will already be in bed underneath the quilt she hand carefully embroidered for you both. A soft lilac spread stitched with vines and flowers from her home. You walk in and find the lamp on and your wife where you expected her. On the bedside table you notice a folder of what look to be grub reports set aside or the book she now holds in their stead. 

She looks up at you when you come in and gently, places her mark and closes her book, not taking her eyes off you. Her look is honest and worried and makes your heart sink. 

Does she think you’re going back to where you were? That your mind is leaving you again? 

You clear your throat because it seems like the thing to do. 

“I would like to talk to you about something.” You say hoping your voice isn’t shaking as you go to sit on the edge of your bed. 

“Did something happen? Is it the rebellion?” She asks cautiously. You feel sick to your stomach and probably look like it as well. 

“No. I-There’s something I need to tell you…”

She looks at you worried. She hasn’t seen you like this in sometime. At the beginning of your relationship you had an honest conversation with her about honest conversations. How your playful commentary and banter could gloss over true feelings and emotions the two of you had. How your speech patterns could put you two in separate corners playing mind games and guessing but not confronting real issues, not developing your relationship further. Vulnerability, had been trained out of you, especially with women, by your mother. Kanaya, on the other hand, had always felt the need to take on a maternal role in her friend group and therefore her own vulnerability was set aside so her friends could confide in her for support. 

Put simply, it was not something either of you we're good at but it was something to work on together. So you had. 

At first it had felt forced. Another sort of game of who could tell the other the more fucked up thing about them. That had ended...poorly. You had both realized that over sharing was in fact not the same thing as being vulnerable. To know sad facts was not the same as understanding the emotions and relevance behind them. So you decided to try a different way. You told each other your own life stories from the beginning. You both asked each other questions and eventually you both cried. After that it became easier, though still not natural. 

Since then you’ve had a breakdown that forced you to your edge and with it displayed yourself raw and shaking with dark thoughts and unintelligible writings. It was then Kanaya finally saw all your inner pain, and in response, she had taken you into her arms and soothed you in the darkness. She glowed for you there, her light reflecting off crystal earrings, casting rainbows in the dark. You watched them dance on the walls as she soothed you and eventually saw the dark spots in your eyes recede. Your mind slowly grounded itself back into your own reality and the meaning you could find in it if you made it relevant to yourself again. 

You take a deep breath. You need to do this.

“Six years ago. A year after Vriska was born, I gave birth to a daughter I conceived naturally with Jade.” You look at Kanaya and can see she clearly was not expecting this. 

She’s quiet, taking it all in. You continue. 

“Her name-her name is Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde Harley.” You are embarrassed to tell your wife your own daughter's name. 

You see Kanaya wait for you to laugh. To stop the joke. You don’t. You look at her sincerely and wait. She finally registers what you're saying and she looks at you with the sad confusion of someone who has just learned they have been lied to by someone they love for a very long time. 

“You’re serious...” You watch her face and she turns her gaze away from yours for a moment. 

“Six years...wh-”, her voice begins to crack but she steadies it, “why lie to me? Why keep this hidden?” Steady but quiet, like she’s not asking you but asking the space in between, the growing distance, your wife pulling back her trust like a tide, leaving you bare. 

“It-I. It was before my break down. Everything felt so unreal then. Nothing mattered and I couldn’t make sense of it. Like life was a joke suddenly. Everything, this world, this timeline, this story, all of it was full of absurdities! Things that would never have happened if we were still connected to the rest of it! When Jade asked, I didn’t care. When she named her, I didn’t care! When I gave birth to her I-” You stop. Kanaya had begun crying silent tears as you spoke. She looks at you and breaks. 

“Nothing mattered! Did I not matter Rose?! Did your one year old daughter not matter! If there were so many absurdities, as you call them, then why create more! Was it some test? To see how far you could take reality! Did you think it would stop you? Did you think I would?!” She’s shouting now and you wonder if Vriska can hear you. You can’t remember the last time you fought like this. You don’t think you have. How nice it was for your daughter to grow up in a household of firm talks and calm words, how nice of you to ruin that. 

Kanaya continues, “Do you think I don’t remember what you were like then?! I tried to give you space because you said you needed it! I didn’t realize it was so that you could-could do this!” She’s not crying anymore and you can feel the anger radiating off of her. Seething is the word. You still can’t look at her even after she goes quiet. She stays like that for a moment. You both do. 

A whisper breaks the stillness. “A daughter. You have a daughter and-do you see her?”

You breathe out the air that has been held tense in your chest. It brings you no relief. “No. I haven’t seen her since I gave birth to her.” You say this with a tone of, what is it? Anger? Shame? Regret? Would you have changed anything? Would you have changed the last six years of your life? The sole attention you gave your wife and Vriska? What’s done is done. You resent the fact that you have to start caring now. That you have to confront the shame and consequences and risk losing everything that made this world worthwhile to you in the past six years. 

Kanaya looks at you with shock first and then absolute sadness breaks across her face. 

“Your daughter. Doesn’t know you.” 

You crack now. That look, you can’t stand it. You did what you had to do. You could barely take care of yourself then! Or your relationship, or your daughter! You did Yiffany a favor by not being in her life! 

“Why should she! She has Jade! Had Dave! She shouldn’t have to deal with half a mother who didn’t really want her! Who gave her life as A FAVOR! She’s too young to hate me but she’ll grow to do it eventually so why start the introductions now! Why raise her on a forced relationship!” 

Kanaya interrupts you, seething with anger and sadness, all directed at your mistake, your lie, you. 

“You didn’t even give her the opportunity to do any of that! You took that choice from her! She’s your Daughter! She could have had so much! She could have been surrounded by so much love! Jade and Dave! You and.. me and… Vriska...how could you not want that for her? How could you want her to grow up so alone?” 

“I-” You start but she doesn’t let you finish. 

“I would have supported you! We could have done this all together! That girl could have had so much and you took that from her! For what? Shame? Egocentrism and apathy of your own existence and relativity to “The Narrative.” Wake Up Rose. We’ve always been in a narrative. You get to decide what to do with that and what it means to you. Don’t blame your loss of seeing outside of this reality on why you didn’t give a fuck enough to think about the real people you hurt here.” 

You look at her as she finishes. Force yourself to see the hurt you caused. The hurt she now embodies. You’re silent and there’s a crack at the door. 

You both turn to see Vriska. Rubbing her eyes at the light, clutching a foam sword. She looks at you both and her face looks scared. 

“Why are you crying?” She looks like she is about to cry now and you instinctively go from the bedside to the floor by the door to comfort her. 

“We’re just sorting some things out, love. It’ll be alright. Let me get you back to bed.”

“No.” Kanaya looks at you. “I’ll take her.”  The sternness slices your core and you look at Vriska hopefully not as sadly as you feel. “Naya’s is gonna take you okay?” She nods and you kiss her forehead and stand up. Kanaya is already by the door now. She walks past you and scoops her up in her arms. Vriska still looks concerned but you watch her head rest into the nook of your wife’s neck as she’s carried back to her room. 

You go sit on the bed and wait. 

It’s longer than you expected and your heart sinks. Adrenaline keeps you restless so you go to brush your teeth and wash your face. You debate showering, but you feel like you don’t deserve the reprieve the hot water could give you You don’t deserve anything now. 

When you come back from the bathroom Kanaya is still not there. You take it to mean she is sleeping in Vriska’s room tonight and decide to turn off the light and crawl into your empty bed. The residual warmth of her side echoes her absence to you and you move away from it, feeling shame for still wanting even that much of her warmth after the pain you’ve caused her. 

You don’t know when but eventually you fall asleep. 

The light breaks through the curtains and shines on your side of the bed. Your consciousness returns to you slowly and you realize in the night you drifted over to Kanaya’s side. This is usually what happens when you wake up. Your wife is an early riser, and you are not. Each morning you wake to her side and take in smells of amber and sandalwood and...rosemary. You get out of bed and feel your headache and the swollen veins of your eyes scraping against heavy lids. You make the bed, rinse your face with water, and go to the kitchen. 

Kanaya is already there, sitting at the kitchen table, with her back turned to you. The sun shines bright through your glass back door and it’s rays expose the steam of the tea cup clasped in your wife’s hands. Usually, you find her more focused. Reading grub reports, or the news. Today she is still and silent. Looking out the window at your yard, at Vriska’s wooden castle play fort, at the cloudless sky. The blue here always seemed a shade off- you put that thought back, it’s unimportant right now. 

“Good morning.” It’s quieter than you wanted it to be. Shy. A question asking if this is okay. Does she want you here, does she mind? Where are you now? 

You watch as she doesn’t shift her gaze but reaches out to pull the table chair next to her so you can sit side by side. You take the cue and go around to sit. She still doesn’t look at you. You wait. The air feels dense and you feel her usual determined calm has fortified. There’s a wall between you now. Built up overnight with the rubble you gave her when you razed the last seven years of your relationship to the ground. All there is to do now is wait for her call. She’s made a decision, and whatever it is you will bare the weight of that choice. 

She still doesn’t turn to you when she finally speaks. “I spoke to Karkat. I told him everything and he offered to have Vriska and I stay with him for a while.” A small gasp slips from your lips clicking at the end, to prevent the choking feeling you're verging on. 

She continues. 

“We’ll be there a week. In that time I want you to reach out to Jade and start to see your daughter. When we come back we will see where to go from there.” She pauses but turns to you. The expression she gives you now, the look of compartmentalization and focus on getting through the moment, reminds you of how she looks when she’s leading her team or debating the board of RTR. Your relationship has now become a task to her, a stressor, something to debate. 

_ You _ are something she is debating. You wonder if she has ever done this before now. In your worst moments. In the times when you felt the residual grim dark surface through you, the apathy, the despair. Did she ever debate this before? You don’t think she has and it dawns on you that those were all things you couldn’t control, not really. But this, this was something you kept from her with meticulous control. 

You look at your wife. You know you can’t replicate her calm demeanor right now. It used to fuel your own and now looking at it breaks you and suddenly you feel embarrassed. Kanaya is giving you a week to get to know your daughter. She’s  _ forcing _ you to. She had to force you to care enough to see the small girl you have ignored for six years, ignored how she came from a deep part of yourself. She is not a clone, spliced and sent via meteor. She is something entirely new to this world. And you-you wish you wanted to see her. 

You don’t. 

“I understand.” You say trying to not have your voice break. You dig down and try to pull up your own fortitude. Words. You go back to words. 

“Shall we decide upon parameters of communication during that time?”

Kanaya looks at you. “You may speak to Vriska before bed every night in a phone call. However I will not speak to you during this time unless there is an emergency. This week is to focus on Yiffany and your relationship. However I will not bar you from speaking to your own daughter for her sake.” 

You nod. You would have fought with her if she had said you couldn’t speak to Vriska at all. You continue with your questioning. “When will you be departing?”

Kanaya looks at the kitchen clock. “I told Karkat we’d arrive around 3pm. In an hour I will go up to Vriska and let her know that we’re going to visit uncle Karkat and that you are going to visit Aunt Jade.”

“What will you say when she asks why.” You’re curious how Kanaya plans on handling your daughter’s curiosity and knack to eventually pry information out of the both of you. 

“When she asks I’ll tell her that I can’t tell her yet and that when we get back we’re going to have a long talk with you about something important.” 

“And when she asks why she has to wait?”

“I’ll tell her that we have to all make a big choice together and that before that we need time to set things up for that choice to be made.”

You nod again. So Kanaya wouldn’t tell Vriska without you. You’re grateful that you at least get a say in how your daughter gets to know about the sister you’ve kept from her. 

You think about how she’ll react. Your heart sinks. 

Kanaya gets up and refills the hot water in her tea. 

You take the moment to ask the question that has plagued you all night. 

“Do you still love me?”

You see her head jolt up from the question. She stands there and you hear small short breaths, choking down the cry that begins to shake her body. She turns to you streaming tears. 

Her voice breaks “Rose I- I-can’t trust you right now!”

Your heart breaks at that. You start to cry as well, thick gulps through salty tears and a shaking that rattles you. It feels like the first release you’ve had since Jade texted you yesterday. Every ounce of tension and grief built up circuits through you repeatedly. You can’t stop. Kanaya does, and she watches you silently. Making no move to comfort you from across the kitchen. You don’t know how long it takes you to stop. You feel embarrassed. Guilty that you should cry when you caused all this damage in the first place. 

Kanaya watches you blow your nose into a cloth napkin set on the table and wipe your face. 

When Kanaya speaks again there is a softness to her voice you haven’t heard since last night, before you shattered her trust in you. 

“I do. Rose, I do still love you. It just, it feels like I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t love you when I can’t trust you now, but no. Those are two seperate things. So yes I love you but feeling it now? It feels like heartbreak in itself.” 

You gulp and try to steady your voice. It breaks anyway. 

“I-I understand that. Kanaya-I’m- I’m so sorry.” Had you said that before? No. In all your talking last night not once had you apologized. Selfish. 

She looks at you and nods. Like she had been waiting for you to realize what you just had. Your wife is not perfect. Though at times it feels like she can do no wrong. Like you are always the one creating the chaos in yours and her life. Like she is the one that always has to be the adult that can’t mess up, that must be responsible. you know that in her core that is not what she thinks, just how she reacts. In fury she can saw a man in half. In rage she could shatter anyone to their core, and in love and determination she could resurrect her species from the verge of extinction. And yet she can be controlling, close minded, hyper focused, and combative. She is both able to sew and embroider a coat in kindness and if ever slighted she could easily rip it from you at it’s seams and your own. 

Kanaya Maryam has been through war and hurt and you are now testing her on something she does not offer easily, forgiveness. 

You watch the two of them depart from the house later that day. An ache filling your chest and a tension clutching at your neck that you try to massage out as the car turns the corner and takes them away.

You go back inside and check your phone, reading through emails with a passing glance and setting it down on the coffee table. 

Jade and you had made plans for tomorrow. Today though? You look around the house you and Kanaya always keep as clean as you can between work and Vriska. She always has a lot more on her plate than you, mostly you just help out where you can, at work, at home. You never really had much of your own thing in this new world you helped create. Mostly you have followed Kanaya’s lead. Helping the brood, the paperwork of creating new citizens and finding homes for the young trolls. There are other people who do that too though, you are no social worker. 

You’ve written a few books you never published, the inspiration after everything you’ve been through felt lacking, everything felt lacking. Your novels turned into scribbles and ramblings. They never felt like anything at all, not to the public, and not to yourself. 

You clean. Vacuum, pick up any toys laying around, clean the kitchen and bathrooms. the sheets on your bed, as much as you want them to smell like Kanaya, it feels perverse to want her close to you like that right now. She doesn’t want that right now. She may never want that with you again. 

You clean windows and mow the grass, tend the garden until the sun sets and you find yourself pulling weeds in the dark with the ground growing cold and wet with evening dew. Weeds are easier to pull with water, even they accept help in their root’s release. 

Eventually the exhaustion hits you and you shower and crawl into bed. You ignore your tea kettle, which for the first time since you’ve lived together Kanaya has not boiled herself, steeping your evening chamomile and lavender with tender affection and love. 

Somehow sleep finds you, dark and dreamless.

Again you wake up alone. It’s different this time. The loneliness hitting you with stark rays of sunlight from the window's blinds you did not remember to pull the night before. You roll over and check your phone for the time. A text from jade you don’t open and a voicemail from...Karkat? 

You dial and listen to the clear excitement of Vriska on the other side. 

_ “Mommy! Naya said I could call you on Uncle KK’s phone! I miss you! I guess you’re asleep though which I know I should be too but Uncle Karkat said I could stay up and play while he and Naya talked. They’ve been talking foooorever! So I can stay up! I read the book you gave me for my birthday, the one about the boy in the cupboard who goes to wizarding school! You can do magic, right mommy!? Will you teach me one day?! I want to be a wizard too!”  _ You hear a door open in the background which you presume is Kanaya and Karkat ending their conversation for the night. 

_ “Oh it looks like Uncle KK and Naya are done talking. Mommy are you and Naya mad at each other? Naya says she’s mad at you but that sometimes people who love each other get mad and that I shouldn’t worry, BUT I AM WORRIED! I don’t want you to be like Uncle Jake and Aunt Jane! Promise me you won’t be like that okay? Tavros is sad when his parents fight, I-I want to talk to him about it but Naya says I have to wait a little while longer. I DONT WANT TO WAIT MOMMY! YOU’RE ALL BEING SO WEIRD AND I’M SCARED AND- AND…”  _ You hear your daughter begin to cry and Kanaya’s voice comes through. 

“ _ My love is everything alright?”  _ You hear the concern in your wife’s tone but there’s a hint of something else, disappointment? You know it’s not in Virska, even through cords and satellite transmissions bouncing back and forth from space to speaker you can hear the sadness in her tone. 

Vriska sniffles, 

_ "NO! I’M NOT! EVERYONE IS BEING WEIRD AND I WANT TO GO HOME AND SEE MOMMY AND I WANT YOU TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND NOT BE LIKE UNCLE JAKE AND AUNT JANE AND I WANT-I WANT-I WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS! I HATE BEING SEVEN!”  _

_ "I want that too love. But these things take time and talking and you won’t be in the dark much longer I promise. Why don’t you say goodnight to Mommy and come sit with me and Uncle Karkat okay? I believe that if you ask nicely he might even read to you in a grumpy pirate voice?”  _

You hear more sniffling and gulps on the other end.

“ _ Mommy I’m-I’m sorry I yelled at you. Please don’t be mad at me. I love you Mommy, sweet dreams.” _

The voicemail ends and you lay in bed, feeling your pillow damp from the stream of tears you didn’t realize had begun to fall as you heard your daughter, confused, hurt and crying. 

_ Don’t blame your loss of seeing outside of this reality on why you didn’t give a fuck enough to think about the real people you hurt here. _

The people you’ve hurt. The people you love and the daughter you don’t. The daughter you’re going to see today,  _ meet _ today. Today you’re meeting your daughter for the first time since her birth. 

It all hits you in a wave of memory you forced yourself to forget 6 years ago. 

You had been sober for years up until that point. Which is why it had surprised Jade when you had said you’d do it but needed a fews drinks. She had been upset at that to say the least, reminding you that you didn’t need to do it this way. That you could do in vitro fertilization, or that you didn’t have to do this at all. You had told her it wouldn’t be a lot, that you would still be there just a bit more relaxed about the whole thing. In reality you just didn’t want to be fully present. 

You were. You remember liking the sensation, the feeling of Jade inside you, on top of you. She was beautiful and you thought back to when you were both so young and you still hadn’t really considered your own sexuality, just that you thought Jade was fun and brilliant and made you feel whole and not alone. How she could show you simple joys in the mundane. Her excitement bounding across the screen as she told you about her dreams and her gardens and the pumpkin disappearances. The stories you made up together. It was only then that you realized that she was the closest person you had to being a first love before Kanaya. 

Kanaya. You didn’t think about your wife much in that heated moment. It felt so different from the love that you and your wife made. The love you preferred, cherished. Thinking about that then, outside of passing thoughts, would have been too much to handle. So you just laid there. In heat and sweat, moaning as your childhood best friend fucked you with the lights off on the bed she and Dave rarely put to the same use. 

Afterwards you had showered and gone home, and a few weeks later after stomach aches and bloating it was confirmed that you were indeed pregnant. Two months later you gave birth. 

You felt it coming the day before the contractions started. Even with your loss of sight you still had a knowing, a sense about things. Or maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it had just been a- a mother’s intuition. You had told Kanaya you planned on spending the weekend with Dave and Jade to catch up and talk, making up something about them wanting you to be a sort of go between marriage counselor for the two of them. 

She had thought nothing of it but had asked if you felt up for it, after all you hadn’t been feeling well lately. Lies and more lies came easily off your tongue and she never questioned a single one. 

The birth had been quick and easy. A few contractions, a push and there she was. A small girl with black ears and a tail covered in amniotic fluid. The cord was cut, and wrapped in a blanket you held her briefly. Gazing into her purple eyes, your eyes. She had so much of you in her. You gave her to Jade and she cried and you watched as Jade rocked and hushed her new daughter. Smiling at her, crying, she whispered a thank you. 

It was after that that you began to truly spiral. You stayed in bed the next two days and when you returned home you realized that if you didn’t write down everything you remembered the true reality would be lost in your worlds records. This reality wasn’t real, didn’t matter.

You told Kanaya your plan and she seemed worried, but didn’t stop you, at first. Even then though she mentioned that you seemed different, she asked if you had been sleeping, eaten at all. You lied again and told her yes, you just needed some time for your project. 

You wrote, scribbled, drew. At first it felt like it made sense. That the thoughts being transferred into words from a world no longer within your reach, a world that mattered, could actually be recorded. It felt real. You felt like if only you could reach and keep reaching your could grab it all. You forced yourself into an empty soundless grimdark, cut off from reality. The gods did not sing there, you could not hear them. You had heard nothing but your own thoughts and narrative for days until Kanaya’s voice had broken through. 

It was only later after your episode did you realize that for all the days you had spent in your study, cursing the gods and their keeping you out of their darkness, that you understood it was all for nothing. 

You slept for days after Kanaya brought you back. She made you eat and drink, helped you get up and use the restroom even when you were too weak to walk. Eventually you got better, and it dawned on you how strong your wife truly was. She had cared for you, your one year old daughter, and the brood all at the same time. She’d had no choice, you gave her no choice and she had never resented you for it. Never made you feel the guilt you know she could have made you feel, should have made you feel. 

You roll over and wipe your eyes and finally open Jade’s message. 


End file.
